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Shala Esquire in the FeedMeCoolShit MusicplayerThe English Language Part I: The Bastard Language
If French is the language of love, Italian the language of romance and German the language of…efficiency (?) what particular distinction is bestowed upon English? Well, as much as I love my mother tongue, its dubious credentials may disqualify it for such an esteemed title.
First there is the question of parentage. Its gene pool contains amongst others Old Norse, French, German, Greek and Celtic. English is the illegitimate offspring of a myriad tongues, conceived over a centuries-long orgy of land-grabbing and cultural cross-breeding.
The heirs to the offspring of this linguistic gangbang, the British, went on to build an empire that pilfered over a quarter of the planet and made English the lingua franca for 570 million people or more. The baton has since been passed onto the Americans whose ‘cultural’ imperialism has allowed the language to continue its acquisition of tongues.
Finally, ask any non-native speaker who has studied English and you’ll hear what an utter c**t it is to learn. The language simply refuses to keep to the rules. Example: words spelt almost exactly the same don’t sound the same, like bomb, comb, and tomb. Then there are words which aren’t spelt the same, have different meanings but sound identical: pair, pare, pear.
Logical innit?
Therefore, I hereby baptise English The Bastard Language, feared and adhered to by the millions.
Hurrah!!
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luke says:
how is this cool, exactly?
Arlo says:
Insofar that it does not involve brightly coloured clothing, a skateboard or a haircut, this article is not cool. However it is my role to temper the ’sacred-sneaker’ style ephemera which otherwise rules these pages.
luke says:
oh rite… thats way kewl… pleeze reed the mision statemeant. ta.
luke
Arlo says:
I fail to see the relevance of ‘calcots’ in the cool world in which you dwell…old chap.